


Public Sexual Education

by iisintrovert



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: "abstinence only" education, Alternate Universe - High School, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Basically, Crack-ish, Discussion of Rape, Fluffy, Gay, Humor, Levi blushes fight me, Lubricant, M/M, Pregnancy, The old sex ed teacher quit and levi's the only one willing to talk about gay sex, armin is a little nerd, discussion of genitalia, english teacher! eren, ereri, history teacher! levi, jk, just fuck me up, proffesor! eren, proffesor! levi, sex ed! teacher levi, teacher! ereri, vaginas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-15 10:21:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5782498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iisintrovert/pseuds/iisintrovert
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not what you think.<br/>Levi is the history teacher who works across the hall from Eren, an English teacher. When the school's only board-certified teacher quits just before a lesson, Levi is the only one available to teach the class. Of course, after finding out the teacher's occupation and her sub-par methods, he decides to thoroughly educate the masses.</p>
<p>Alternate: AU where Levi is a teacher and knows a lot about gay sex and looks into the school security cameras like he's on the office.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Public Sexual Education

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive my knowledge. I hate the public school system in 'merica and watch a lot of Laci Green. All facts are true.

“Are you fucking kidding with me?”

Levi sighed as he rubbed the bridge of his nose, lazily holding the cord phone up to his ear. He barely registered the grainy noise of his principle reprimanding him about his language. Instead he focused on what had just been said to him.

“You’re aware that that kind of language is inappropriate for an educational setting--”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it. But seriously? She quit _again?_ ”

He heard Erwin sigh from within his cushy office. Bastard. “Yes, Levi she quit for the day. She’s the only national board certified teacher we have, we have to let her keep coming back or we lose funding.”

Levi stood up from his wheely chair, propped the phone up between his ear and shoulder, and placed his hands on his desk. He had paperwork to do. This was his only free class period, after all, and now Erwin was trying to ask him to do what? Share his plentiful information with a class full of students? Hasn’t he already done enough of that?

He sighed, making sure Erwin could hear his exasperation through the receiver, and shook his head. “Fine. I’ll do it, but I want someone to do my grading while I’m teaching the little miscreants.”

He could practically hear Erwin grinning. “Perfect, I’ll call someone in right away. In the meantime, Levi--”

“Yeah, yeah. I got it covered.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

And that’s how Levi ended up in a classroom full of less-than horny teenagers with a cup of coffee and absolutely no lesson plans. Well. Erwin had only commanded him to teach, but he didn’t exactly specify what needed to be taught. Hopefully his experience in high school had left him able to teach...

Levi peered at the wall, above the heads of the twenty sophomores. There was a poster with a smiling women, one arm was linked around her swollen belly while the other flashing a thumbs up, and a slogan in black comic sans that read _’Only when you’re ready!’_

His mouth fell open slightly, lip curling up in indignancy. “What the f--”

“Mr. Ackerman!” 

The boy who called his name was sitting in the front with his hand raised a little. Levi turned his attention away from the poster to the blonde and quirked a brow. This kid was in his AP World History class last year. Levi couldn’t exactly remember his name. It was a German one. Maybe Amett? Armando?

“Yes?”

The kid looked to the side, nervous. He probably remembered how strict Levi could be and wanted to be cautious. A memory of Levi during the freshman year riot flashed before his eyes. The man could use ball point pens in very scary ways. Armin shivered, but kept his hand up. “Uh... where’s Ms. Davidson?” 

“She quit,” Levi grumbled.

There was a mix of reactions. Some of the students gasped while others sat there like they didn’t really care. A few cheered half-heartedly, but he just rolled his eyes. _Teenagers._ “What, it’s not like she hasn’t before.”

A girl in the back piped up, “We’ve only had her for a few weeks. Before that it was a substitute teacher until we got an official one.”

Levi nodded and set his coffee thermos down on the sturdy wooden desk. “So,” he started as he pulled the wheely chair out from behind the desk to the front of the whiteboard and sat down, crossing one leg over the other. “What exactly have you guys been learning?”

A large portion of students groaned at the mention. Levi quirked his brow again and glanced around the room. They all seemed to be fed up with whatever subject they were learning. Levi’s eyes snapped over to the hand that was raised. It was the same blond kid from before. Levi still could not place his name. Arnold?

Levi nodded at the boy, signaling that he could speak. “Well, we haven’t really learned anything,” the blond said, lowering his arm and pushing a strand of his long hair behind his ear, “So far we’ve only seen videos of people getting arrested for sexting and weird metaphors about virginity.” 

Levi’s eyebrow raised even higher than it had before. “What is this supposed to be -- abstinence only? Hell no.” he muttered. A few kids chuckled. He shook his head. “I don’t know what kind of life that woman leads but seriously…” He stood up. If he only had one class period, he was going to help these poor fucks. _Thank god I actually have knowledge about this subject,_ “Alright everyone.” he commanded the attention of the room, clapping his hands together. “How many of you have done _something_ that Ms. Davidson teaches not to do. Really, be honest.”

More hands were raised until half the class had their hands raised. It didn’t surprise Levi. 

“As you should, if you want to. And I mean both of you. Don’t be an asshole, make sure everyone’s on the same page, you feel me? Don’t have sex when you aren’t both into it, that’s just no fun. And, you know, _illegal._ ”

Some asshole teenager chuckled in the back. “What if, like, it was written down earlier? Like you agreed, for like, some kinky shit--”

“Watch your goddamn mouth, Wagner.” Levi remembered this kid. Tomas was in his World History class last year. Since day one Levi could tell he was a fuckboy.

He laughed. “Sorry.” He didn’t sound sorry.

Levi just sighed. “Unfortunately, I think I might be legally obligated to stray from the topic of BDSM, but I’m sure you can just-- I don’t know... Google it? Just like have a safe word or something. Any more random questions before we actually get to the other basics?”

“Gay!”

Levi pointed back at whoever had made the comment. “And the same to you!”

“Sir, do you actually, well, I assume there should be a curriculum for this class, and even though we aren’t taught anything from abstaining, I’m sure that --” Armando trailed off, waving his hands in the air in some unknown gesture. Levi got the gist of it.

Levi turned away from the kids and picked up a dry erase marker and drew a vertical line down the center of the blackboard. “Alright, pupils,” he muttered. “This column here--” he gestured at the one on the left “--is what you all need to know. This one, is what I am not legally allowed to tell you.--” he pointed to the right side “--We’ll write things down as we go along, alright? I’ll go first.” He brandished the marker, brought it to the green surface of the board and scrawled out a few words. He stepped back to admire his handiwork. “Well, we already covered consent…” he hummed, crossing the word off. “So that leaves sex, genitalia, contraception, STD prevention, and ‘housekeeping’.” 

He turned to the class and put the cap back on the marker before tapping it against his arm, raising an eyebrow at the class. “Anything else you guys are dying to know?”

“I think Reiner already asked,” someone commented off-handedly, and the class nearly rioted.

“Reiner?” he asked. “I knew it. You guys wanna hear about gay sex, don’t you.” It wasn’t a question, and the class had an enthusiastic response, save for a few very startled kids grouped in the middle who clearly had no idea what they were meaning by that.

Levi tacked _’gay stuff’_ to the end of the list, sat back down, and pushed the chair to the center of the front of the classroom. “Alright,” he announced, “Sex. It’s a lovely thing, for most, I guess. All of you probably have raging hormones by now. There are different ways to have sex. Usually something goes into another something, and by ‘something I mean genitals. Namely penises and...other orifices, but sometimes dicks aren’t involved at all. It can just be vaginas, and that’s cool. I’m sure that’s fun and all.” The tan, freckled girl in the back cheered and the petite blond tried to shush her again

“Oh! I almost forgot.” Levi stood up, pointing to the chart he had just made.  
“Vaginas are kind of complicated. They’re really weird, but cool, I guess. If you’re into that.” There was a hollar of approval from the same back corner of the class.

“Reiner’s heterosexual, guys, if you hadn’t caught on,” Levi grumbled. The class laughed, save for the man in question, who just snorted and whispered to the tall, sweaty boy sitting next to him. “But anyway, vaginas! Common misconception-- you can’t ‘pop your cherry’. Do kids still say stuff like that? I hope not. Anyways, there is no layer of skin covering your vagina, or else you wouldn’t bleed every month. Hell, how the hell would you even use tampons? It’s more of an opening. It’s like elastic with a hole in the middle, but needs to be stretched out or else it’ll hurt like a bitch. That’s why masturbation or whatever helps loosing it up so it doesn’t hurt as much, or at least just use your fingers for something. Oh, and make sure to use lubrication. Trust me, you don’t want any rippage of genital flesh. Make sure you at least --”

The door swung open. In that moment, Levi knew he was fucked. He nearly expected for it to be Erwin, somehow aware of Levi’s progressive sex education teaching methods, but it wasn’t. They were the one person he would rather not see him in front of a classroom full of students, with two fingers in his outstretched fist, and the words “gay stuff” written on the board behind him.

It was the hot english major who taught across the hall from him.

Fuck.

“Oh, hello, Mr. Jaeger.” He noted, not removing his fingers from his other hand. “How are you doing?”

There was a giggle across the rows of children as the man in question regained his composure. There was a slight blush on his cheeks. He seemed flustered. _Cute._ “I, uh, I was told to grade the papers on your desk by Mr. Smith, but there’re a couple of tests, and I don’t remember any history before 1400 C.E, so I just figured I’d...” he tapered off, staring down at Levi’s hands, still in the same position they were.

“We’re talking about sex.” Levi noted unhelpfully, rousing another laugh from the few kids still paying attention.

“I -- I see that.” Eren sounded defeated.

“Would you like to join us? Apparently the school doesn’t have authority over what the old teacher taught, so I decided to change the curriculum so no one gets injured or pregnant ‘cause they were just taught not to have sex.”

Eren shrugged. “I guess. Beats looking over your classes worksheets without a key.” He winced. “ _Injured?_ ”

“I mean, it’s possible, if you don’t use lube. Use lube, kids!” he commanded. “Lube is your friend, unless you want a torn asshole on your hands, yours or your partners, it won’t be fun, because they’re not going to want to keep having sex with you if you’ve ripped their butt open.”

Eren laughed openly, sitting down on the desk. “Jesus, I didn’t think you were serious.”

“I’m always serious about anal.” Levi deadpanned.  
“Any questions?” Eren asked weakly.

Some kid in the second row pulled his head up from where he was clearly shooting pieces of paper into Armin’s backpack. “How do you, like, you know,” he contorted his face. “prevent a broken ass?”

Levi chuckled as Eren’s face fell. “Well, Jean, remember, an aroused person is relaxed. Step up your foreplay game, don’t half-ass it. That’s just a general sex rule, too. Don’t half-ass foreplay. Step two: have lube. Again, given. Put a bunch on your fingers -- how much would you say, like two table spoons?” he looks to Eren.

Eren splutters, shrugging his shoulders. “You’re the expert!”

Levi deadpanned at the security camera as the class rioted. “Alright everybody, calm down,” he muttered, holding up his hands again. “Use like two tablespoons of lube, warm it up on your fingers,”

“Don’t use oil-based lube, it breaks down condoms.”

“Yeah,” Levi nodded. “That means like vaseline is out of the question, too. Warm it on your fingers, ‘cause no one wants a cold finger up the ass, and then start by like rubbing around the edge for stimulation, so it doesn’t feel to bad at first. On second thought,” Levi rubbed at the space between his eyes. “Only do that if you’re with a guy. Girls -- there isn’t much of a point to do anal. You can still get a disease and pregnant if you’re not using a condom, and you don’t have a g-spot or anything so it’ll just feel like you’re taking a --“ Eren shot a warning look at him. _Oh, so I can say ass like nine times but I can’t say shit? Fucking obliterated._ “...poo.” he finished.

Eren nodded anyway. “Yeah, my mom always said that if you’d be too scared to put a dildo the same size as your penis into your ass, then don’t ask a girl to do so.”

“That’s beautiful, Jaeger,”

“Thank you.”

“Gay sex is great and all, but how do you keep from getting sick? Can we talk about that? Ms. Davidson said something about this timing method, for when you’re married.” said the same girl from before.

Eren chuckled. “Sure, Mina. Except, it’s kind of proven that you can’t just have sex and not get pregnant based on when you had your last period. You might still have an egg or something, or your cycle could be off, so it’s best to not attempt that unless you’re actually ready for kids and you just wanna mess around for as long as possible before hand.”

Mina looked like her world had fallen around her.

“Seriously, what has this woman been teaching you?” he muttered. Armin chuckled.

“Absolutely nothing of worth, sir. Except that you can get registered as a sex offender if you have pictures of naked teens on your phone, even if it’s you. I thought that was interesting.”

Eren nodded. “Yeah, don’t do -- illegal things…” he said vaguely. “Like having sex with someone more than 25% younger than you, or older than eighteen, or a teacher or doctor or something...or sexting...or having sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you.”

“Agreed.” Levi nodded. “Don’t do that stuff.” He pointed back at the chalk board. “Do gay stuff instead!”

The class laughed, and Levi remembered what he was talking about. “Oh yeah!” he started to rummage about it Ms. Davidson’s drawers. He clapped his hands together excitedly. “Who wants to put condoms on water bottles?”

 

~~~

 

The class period ended sooner than Levi would have liked. It was fun, to have laughed for once, to have the choice on what he was allowed to tell the kids. Plus there was that cliche tingle in his stomach, knowing that because of him, some asshole was probably going to manage not to get someone pregnant. _You did good today, Levi,_ he told himself.

Eren hopped off the desk, grabbed his coat and swung it over his shoulders, rustling his already-rugged hair. He smiled down at Levi. _Goddamn._ he said to himself, looking away, face already heating up. It should be illegal to look that cute as a grown ass man.

“You good?” Eren asked gently, a chuckle on his voice.

“Of course. I know the incredible specifics of butt sex.” he said with absolutely no expression.

“So you really are..?”

“A flaming homosexual?”

Eren giggled, looking down at his feet. “An expert.”

Levi raised an eyebrow. “I believe that question lands on the side of the chart of which I am not allowed to discuss legally as a teacher.”

Eren held the heavy wooden door open for him and led him back out into the hallway. “And how 'bout not in school? Say, over coffee?”

Levi sent him a sly grin. “That I can manage.”

**Author's Note:**

> *throwback to the olden fanfiction.net days*  
> Plz r&r no flames  
> Also, send me headcannons/au's and ill write you a one shot!!!!!: iisintrovert.tumblr.com  
> (might make a smutty sequel idk idk)


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